How to coach your teen with ADHD

Do you have a teen with ADHD? Do you feel overwhelmed, exasperated, or confused? GUILTY, even?

It could be because parenting a teen with ADHD can make you feel dysregulation, as if their problems start to become yours.

This is a challenging and common situation for parents of teens with ADHD. It's easy to feel stuck between wanting to help and needing to let go, especially when you see your child struggling with the very things they need to do to become independent. The core of this issue is not a lack of effort or a desire to fail on your teen's part; it's a disruption in executive functioning, which is the hallmark of ADHD.

Let’s look at some common scenarios. For example, your teen does well in school and in other areas like grades, performance, leadership or team positions, and this shows that they're capable and intelligent. This also means they're using a lot of mental energy to compensate for their ADHD symptoms during the school day, which then leads to a "crash" when they get home. Thus, the difference between their energy or performance at school vs. the disorganized, forgetful, scrolling and avoidance teen you have at home.

Teens are already managing hormonal cycles, but what about the cycle of oversleeping, forgetting medication, and poor nutrition? They are likely exhausted because their brain is working overtime just to keep up. Medication is typically taken in the morning, with food. Food doesn’t sound good, or quick and easy isn’t an option, and they are lucky if they are even running on time, which for them is either right on time, or, with the right teacher, a few minutes late.

Let's break down how you can approach this from a behavioral and emotional standpoint.

Shifting from Parent to Coach

The ultimate goal is to help your teen develop the skills they need to manage their own life. You need to move from being their manager to being their coach. This means you'll stop doing things for them and start helping them build systems and strategies that work for their unique brain.

1. Create a "Reset" and Collaborate

Instead of having the same frustrated conversations, start with a collaborative "reset" meeting. Frame it as a team effort. Acknowledge that you see them struggling and that you're proud of their successes. Say something like, "I know you're tired of this cycle, and I am too. Let's figure out a system together that makes mornings less of a rush and helps you feel better throughout the day. We're a team, and we can solve this."

2. Focus on One or Two Keystone Habits

Don't try to fix everything at once. This is overwhelming and will lead to failure. Focus on one or two key habits that will have the biggest impact. The most crucial one here is sleep. Everything else flows from that. Think, Atomic Habits by James Clear.

3. Tackle the Sleep Problem

Your teen's late wake-ups are a symptom of a deeper sleep issue. They might have a later natural sleep cycle due to ADHD. This means you need to get them to bed earlier, not just wake them up earlier.

4. Technology Curfew

This coild be a blog post in itself as all parents struggle with screen time. All screens (phones, tablets, TV) should be out of the bedroom, or out of reach, at least 30-60 minutes before bedtime. The blue light from screens suppresses melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep.

5. Wind-Down Routine

Wait, routine? Yes, teens with ADHD can get into a routine, especially if others in the household model this. Encourage a relaxing activity before bed, like reading a physical book, listening to music, or taking a warm shower.

6. Know when to use Professional Help

Consider speaking with their doctor or their psychiatrist. They may need a melatonin supplement or a different approach to address their sleep cycle.

7. Address the Medication and Routine

Once you've addressed sleep, the morning routine can be tackled. The key is to make it as foolproof as possible.

8. Strategic Placement

Put the medication bottle directly next to their toothbrush, their car keys, or their wallet, somewhere they absolutely cannot miss it.

9. Use Technology, but only if it works

Set multiple alarms on their phone, each with a specific instruction (e.g., "Take your meds!" or "Get up and get a drink of water."). Consider an app that requires them to scan a barcode on the medication bottle to turn off the alarm.

So, let's assume you’ve tried all of the above, or several at least, and you're at yourbreaking point… what about a "Natural Consequences" approach? This is a tricky one. In some cases, natural consequences work, but for ADHD, they often just lead to shame and a feeling of failure, which worsens the problem.

Instead of letting our children fail, use a scaffolding approach. This means you will provide a temporary structure to help them succeed. For example, you can still give a gentle wake-up nudge for a set period, but with a clear plan to transition that responsibility to them. "I'll wake you up at 7 a.m. for the next two weeks, but we're also going to set three alarms on your phone so you can take over after that."

Moving towards independence with confidence will make a difference for any teen, but especially those with ADHD.

Let's assume now they have made some progress and are asking about getting a job. The desire for a job is a great sign of their growing independence. However, you may be right to be concerned about adding another layer of responsibility when they're already struggling.

1. Break Down the "Job" Concept

Help them see that a job isn't just about showing up. It's about reliability, managing a schedule, and handling stress. This is a great opportunity to use their interest in a job as motivation to practice the skills they'll need.

2. "Practice Job" at Home

Before they get a real job, create a "practice job" at home. This can be a chore or responsibility that they're accountable for. For example, "Your job is to make sure the dishwasher is emptied by 8 a.m. every day. If you can manage this consistently for a month, we'll talk about finding a real job." This gives them a low-stakes environment to practice consistency and time management.

A psychological perspective

Parenting a teen with ADHD is about more than just tasks and routines; it's about their self-worth. Your teen is likely feeling frustrated, embarrassed, and maybe even a bit hopeless about why these simple things are so hard for them.

Final Words

Validate your teen’s struggles. Start with empathy. Say things like, "I know how hard this is for you," or "It must be really frustrating to feel so tired all the time." This builds trust and shows them you're on their side, not just another person telling them what to do.

Connect Them with a Coach or Therapist. A professional who specializes in ADHD can be an incredible resource. They can provide your teen with a neutral space to talk, teach them coping strategies, and help them build the executive function skills they're missing. A coach or therapist can also help you, as the parent, navigate this transition and provide you with a support system.

Focus on the Wins. Celebrate the small victories. Did they wake up on time one morning? Did they remember their lunch? Acknowledge it. "I noticed you were on time this morning, that's great! It shows you can do this." This positive reinforcement is far more effective than focusing on their failures.

Remember, this is a process. There will be setbacks, and that's okay. The goal is progress, not perfection. By shifting your approach from a manager to a coach, you can empower your teen to build the skills they need to thrive as an independent adult.

Teen struggling with ADHD